Holiday Melancholy

     So I have been toying with the idea of writing this because the holidays are supposed to be about being happy and being with family. I am very happy in general. I enjoy being with my family, correction, I love being with my family. My family and I are very close but lately as we get older and I watch my little cousins grow I feel a sense of loss, almost an emptiness. At the beginning of the year Ron and I had decided to not pursue children in this time of our lives however getting into the holiday season I feel that urge. I feel the need to be around children. I love children, I love helping them, teaching them, and watching them grow into amazing human beings. I have been lucky to be a part of my “nephews'” lives and they are growing into amazing men. Their mother is like a sister to me even though we're cousins. I feel pride in their accomplishments as if they were my own kids because that's how much I love them. Ron and I love spending time with those kids but they are growing up and there hasn't been a new child born in our family in a long time. I don't necessarily feel a sense of duty like I used to because my family knows our struggle but I feel a sense of emptiness and that feeling is growing every day right now. I love this time of year but so much of me wishes I had a child to dress up and go to the various Thanksgiving and Christmas things we attend. I want that bundle of joy to provide for and give to so badly it hurts sometimes. As happy as I am and as much as I enjoy this time of year there is a sense of melancholy behind my joy and there is nothing that can fix that feeling.

     The reason I'm addressing this is because I recently learned about a woman in a support group I am in who had her third miscarriage. I can't imagine having that feeling right now during this time. This time of year is excruciating for those of us who feel like less of a woman because we can't procreate. I don't think I can ever express the complicated feelings I get when I see my friends and family with their children. I am so utterly happy for you I truly am but I am also just a little bit sad. I've realized lately that even though we've decided “not to try”, in reality it's just an attempt to get some control over what's happening. I have to be honest with myself, I want to be a mother. I want a family. I want to give that to my husband because God knows he would be an amazing father. I mean amazing father, if we ever are blessed with children I hope they get my hair and his brain.

     When we got the diagnosis I was recommended to go to the fertility clinic for a better assessment to find out when and if I'm ovulating and figure out all the things necessary for getting pregnant. I have yet to make that step. I am terrified of what they will actually say. I'm afraid that they will come back and tell me that none of my eggs are viable or some other terrible news. I know if I don't go I will never know and will never get help but you don't know how much fear can control you. You become desperate for some sort of control in a chaotic situation that you truly can not do anything about. You literally have no control over your own body when it comes to these mechanics and our politicians think they can control it? Yeah they're dumb. My fear has consumed me so immensely that I have all but given up and with the holidays coming up it has reminded me that I can't let fear control me. If we are not meant to have children then so be it but if we don't try we'll never truly know.

     I'm not dumping all this on you for pity I just felt like I needed to get it off my chest for my own sake. I haven't told anyone my fears except for close friends but speaking it out loud, or typing, is cathartic and helpful. Thank you for listening and letting me discuss my fears and I hope that in the new year Ron and I can finally get back onto that road towards parenthood.