Through sickness and in health...and hiking.

   Currently I am sitting here with a really light head, upset stomach, and not much of an appetite. So far my weekend has been spent getting over the stomach flu. It isn't fun. Your marriage will truly be tested when your spouse gets a stomach flu because really gross stuff happens and you have to decide is it worth it to take care of this person? Ron got sick before me and it wasn't pretty. I couldn't do anything for him and then stuff got gross and I had to either clean it up or just go “nope, screw it I'm done”. I cleaned it up. Why? Because I love him and it sucks when you're sick and I wanted to make him as comfortable as I could and part of that is cleaning up whatever mess is made. Unfortunately for him, he had to turn around and do the same for me 3 days later. Lets just say this stomach flu is not pretty.

   Moving on, I had an epiphany this week, before I got sick. I got to that point where I gave up on eating healthy and I knew I was gaining weight and I honest to God didn't care anymore. I just quit. I've been struggling for about six months now with the concept that I'm not good enough, I'm not smart enough, I'm useless, I'm lazy, and my favorite I'm selfish. These are things you get from varying forces when you do something they don't agree with. This feeling is mostly from myself because I've let certain people in my life get to me and drag me down and I've reverted back to my teenage self and just went into depression. Depression isn't easy to deal with and I've struggled with it my entire life but I never knew what it was until I went into therapy in college. Food is my drug of choice when I get into those moments and when you're trying to be healthy depression really doesn't help you in that effort. My epiphany was simply this discovery. I discovered that when I let negative forces weigh on me my food intake goes haywire because its the only constant that doesn't treat you like shit. I get these cravings, especially for sweet foods and certain starchy foods like potatoes when I'm depressed because its my comfort food. This is not good. As soon as I realized this correlation I started talking to Ron and he said, “Well, then the best thing we can do is keep you from letting those negative people get to you.” This unfortunately is not an easy feat. All I can say is, I have to remember that those people who drag me down, are dragging me down because they're down and misery loves company. I am not perfect and I never will be and you can't expect that from me. The decisions I make for myself are simply that, they're decisions for myself and no one else. I am not stupid, I am not lazy, and I am not useless. I have to continue to remind myself every day that I am not what people tell me I am although its really easy to believe it when its people you're supposed to trust and love telling you these things. Please understand from the bottom of my heart I love and care for each and every person in my life but when its all said and done I have to care for myself first because if I don't then I won't be here for long because my health will go. This is not selfish. Period. And you telling me I'm selfish because I want to care for my mental and physical health is pretty messed up. I know I will always struggle with this but making this connection and having a husband that is as amazing as mine I think will help me in the future when I start feeling this way and craving those comfort foods. It helps when you have someone who is going through the same thing together, the two of you are able to make self discoveries and help each other through those extremely difficult times.

   One of the things that helps me center myself is hiking. Its very therapeutic and I'm looking forward to hiking the Appalachian trail. As you guys know I've started making diaries of my hiking adventures. The latest hiking adventure I sort of got lost and was trying to find the right trail. Well, instead of just going back to the crossroads where the trail I needed to be on split off I tried to go off the trail and find it that way. Bad idea. Of course I wasn't on the AT so it wasn't a life or death decision but when you're on a big hike like that it could be. Going off trail to look for anything really isn't smart and you should always stick to the marked areas. If you get lost or realize you're going in the wrong direction just go back to the last crossroad and get your barrings straight. You may lose some time or mileage but its the safest option when you're out there in the woods. The AT is a well cared for trail so if you do realize you're going the wrong way you should be able to backtrack and figure out where you went wrong. Other than that my hike went well. Posted below is the video, hope you enjoy it and remember don't let negative influences get to you. When you get to that moment in your life where you feel overwhelmed from them step back take a moment and meditate, go to the Bible if you're a Christian like I am, or even talk to a therapist. There are so many resources out there you should never have to struggle with depression alone.