A Year in Review

     Wow so its finally the end of the year and we are bringing 2016 to a close, what a shitty year. I mean this whole heartedly. There have been some good points to the year, I’ve made some amazing friends and met some amazing people. I have 3 podcasts that I enjoy doing so much; however, the journey has been a really tough one. So much death, so much hurt, so much pain, but also so much growth. I guess I should start at the beginning.

     As you know my best friend died in April. This was not the only death I endured this year. On July 1st my uncle died. He was a quiet man but he was a good one, he worked hard and loved his family dearly. He was always a huge quiet presence in my life and I loved him. He will be missed. One month later my grandmother died August 2nd. This woman I could go on for days about how much she meant to me; I’m tearing up writing about her. She suffered from Parkinson’s disease and in the later years the family took it upon ourselves to help care for her. I looked up to this strong woman who lived her life so graciously. I miss her so much she was definitely one of my favorite people in the entire world. This woman taught me strength, love, patience, and kindness. One week later my great grandmother died on August 8th. This was another huge presence in my life that just left. I wasn’t as close to her later in life as I was when I was a child because she had gotten to a point where it was hard to be around because her mind was going and it was tough to talk to her. I realize how selfish that is but it was hard to see it. I loved her so much though, when she was in her prime she was always in the best of clothes; both grandmas were. She was a feisty woman and got her way but one of the biggest things I learned from her was love especially towards your husband. What I saw between her and my great grandfather was love, they taught me so much as a couple and I strive to be that even though its hard. Needless to say all of this loss at the same time hit me hard I knew they were going to die soon because they were all suffering and I’m truly thankful they’re not suffering anymore but to have all of my loved ones leaving at the same time so close together seriously feels like a vacuum in my heart. 

     In between all of the deaths I found out about a teacher from high school that was arrested for inappropriate behavior with minors. He never touched me in high school but he tried to create an inappropriate relationship and hearing about his arrest brought back memories that I’d been suppressing for so long. It reminded me of the sexual assaults I’ve endured over the years and I’ve realized I hadn’t forgiven him for it. I also found out in therapy that the relationship established with him in high school became my basis for every relationship in the future and without going into too much detail I basically sabotage myself or I’m always expecting something to fall through because of what happened with me and my high school teacher. This lead to me having feelings of worthlessness and putting myself in an extremely vulnerable place without realizing it and I was sexually assaulted in college. I was able to get myself out of the situation before things got worse but that lead to a turmoil of behaviors because trying to get some sort of control in my life and I started having sex and picking up guys in college. I say all these things to give you an understanding of my head space over the last few months. 

     On the more positive side, one of the highlights of the year is that my brother is having a baby and I’m going to be an aunt! Another highlight of the year is Vita’s roommate Nikki and I started a ladies’ night where we meet up once a month and just hang out and drink wine its turned into a fun tradition where we get together and just have some awesome girl time! My friend Rachael from D&D joined us and I love our little group that was formed. Its definitely one of the joys I look forward to every month. I also started streaming in April as a way to cope with the loss of Vita and it helped a lot. With my streaming I found some new amazing friends as well; some that I now game with on a regular basis, some that I podcast with, and some that I’m able to talk to about anything. In fact it turned into something more than I’d ever imagined, I’m a part of a group called Girlstreamers and we support girl gamers that stream their game play. We strive to put women in a more positive light and help change the views of women and empower them. We have women of all shapes, sizes, race, sexual identity, and gender identity. If you identify as female you are a part of our group and I couldn’t be more proud of what we do at Girlstreamers. I even have a podcast based off of interviewing these amazing women. Its one of three podcasts I’m a part of now. Because of this I got a chance to go to Blizzcon on top of Dragoncon and promote the group and my other podcast which is a gaming podcast based off of Overwatch! At both Dragoncon and Blizzcon I met friends online that I had been playing with for years it was such a cool and awesome experience! These seriously were huge highlights of my year. Unfortunately, with all the loss I was already experiencing some depressive symptoms because I was still struggling to grieve and after Blizzcon I ended up having post con blues for the first time ever. I was on such a high at Blizzcon that leaving everyone to go back to the real world was horrible because I hadn’t coped with what I was trying to run from. The week after Blizzcon I attempted suicide. This is not easy for me to admit because its still so fresh and I know that my mother would rather me not discuss this; however, I feel I need to talk about it. Because I didn’t talk to anyone including my therapist and it lead me to a holding facility for 72 hours. I am opening up about it now to tell you that everyone deals with this every day and before it gets to that point you need to reach out to someone even if its just a suicide prevention hotline. I have people around me that love me but I still felt so alone. I wanted the pain to stop. I wanted everything that had cropped up over the year to just go away. There were more underlying causes that lead me to suicide but those are too personal for me to go into and it doesn’t matter, the point is that I felt like there was no way out. I’m thankful that I had a therapist that made me go in. I found out while in the facility that I suffer from major depression and that every time you go through a bought of depression it only gets worse and worse. There are also other factors scientifically that cause your brain to go to that point instead of being able to cope and that sometimes to get back to the positive side of things adding medicine on top of therapy helps immensely. Everyone is different but seeking help is the most important thing.

     I’m not going to lie, telling my parents was the hardest thing and their reactions were not necessarily the best. I don’t want to bash my parents because I love them and I know that they just didn’t know how to respond but I beg of you if you have a child or any family member come to you about this the best thing for you to say is “I love you and I support you”. That person just needs to be heard without judgement. That person just needs to know they’re loved and sometimes even though they know logically they are loved by you they need to be reminded. Life is hard and we all go through tough times. We all struggle. This is what lead me to my third podcast. Its a podcast about coping skills for people that struggle with mental illness. We are recording our second one today its so new but I’m so proud to be a part of it because not only is it helping me continue pulling myself out of a hole I feel like it will help people. I want to help people not go through the same things I’ve gone through, we’ve lost so many good people throughout the years I don’t want to lose another person to suicide. You are loved. You are important. You mean something.

Suicide prevention hotline 1-800-273-8255.