Please stop asking me about children.

   It has been quite awhile since I have blogged and I realize we haven’t posted anything new about food in a bit but what can I say? I just don't keep up regularly, but that doesn't stop me from still blogging its just not every day. 

   I’m coming to you today because I have had something on my heart for a long time and I feel I need to talk about it. My heart palpitation is elevated and my hands are shaking I’m so nervous about this post, I know this may hurt some feelings but I hope that you read the rest of this post with an open heart and learn something. I’m warning you before I begin because I realize the sensitive nature of this particular subject, I am in no way calling anyone out I am simply using this venue to explain my feelings and anxiousness.

   Ron and I are trying to have children and its not going well. What do I mean by this? Well, I am not ovulating, meaning I’m not producing eggs to make babies. I feel like less of a woman. I. Feel. Like. Less. Of. A. Woman. I know having children doesn’t make you less of a woman but its how I feel. It hurts to know we can’t get pregnant alone. We plan on going to a fertility clinic when the finances are where we want them but right now its not a possibility because of the recent medical bills we’ve incurred. People think its so easy to just go get help but its not, its a long arduous process to go through which we're not ready for. We want to have the money in the bank because health insurance does not cover fertility clinics. I know we’re just in the beginning stages and we could eventually get pregnant but you have to realize my husband is 18 years older than I am and I’m no spring chicken. I am supposed to be at my peak for fertilization and my body isn’t producing like it should. Just let that sink in, I've just turned 29 and my body doesn't, never has, produced eggs like it should. I am physically and emotionally drained from this issue. I know that I put it on myself but it doesn’t stop me from feeling like a complete and total failure in that aspect and its simply because its how my body works.

   The problem with this is that its not something we care to tell people about. I know and I’m blogging about it now. I just don’t like to tell people about my shortcomings but for over a year now whenever we’re asked, “Do you guys plan on having kids” our answer has always been, “We’ll see” with a fake smile. I know people mean well when they ask questions like that but you have no idea the added stress it puts on a couple like us. Those questions have so much more meaning to a couple struggling to have kids. We feel judged, we feel shamed, and we feel inferior to those who do have kids.

   These questions are some of the worst things you could ask me. Its such a hard thing to digest. You are flat out asking me why I haven’t procreated yet and I have two knee jerk reactions to that question, 1) Its my life and I’ll have kids when I damn well please its none of your business and 2) We’re trying to have kids but struggling thanks for the judgement. I know people don’t mean to pass judgement but statements like this are. They are very judgmental whether we want them to be or not. You don’t know our situation and we don’t necessarily want to tell it so stay away from those types of questions. Its just like asking a woman when the baby is due, you just don’t ask the question unless the information has been brought up. Very few of our friends know our story and they know its a sensitive subject with me so they stay away from it and I’m thankful for that.

   I know I’ve probably stepped on a few toes but before you condemn me for being so cruel please look at it from my side. Many women are like me. Many women struggle having children that really want them. Its even harder for us, me, to go through life without hearing about teenage pregnancy, or someone “accidentally” getting pregnant knowing that I’m trying so hard and nothing is happening. So before you ask that question or make a complaint about your own pregnancy please think about who doesn’t have that opportunity to experience such a special time in a woman’s life. If I personally ask you how you feel, take it as I'm interested in you. I know pregnancy is hard and I want all my friends and family to know that I’m genuinely happy for you about your exciting times in your lives just don’t ask me about it. Don’t expect me to enthusiastically tell you that we’re trying to have kids because those questions, those comments, those announcements all feel like I’ve been sucker punched in the stomach.

Thanks for letting me talk about this and I appreciate all the love and prayers my friends and family have already sent to me.