My best friend is gone...

     My best friend is dead. It has been 1 month since she left this world. My life has been a wreck since she died and it hasn't gotten any easier now that she's gone. I'm so thankful she's no longer suffering but I don't understand why I'm still in pain. I know we all grieve in our own way but I'm so tired of crying, I'm so tired of being sad, I'm so tired of trying to move forward with my life and not being able to. I struggle every single day trying to do anything some days are better than others. I fake to everyone that I'm fine but in reality I am having thoughts of suicide. I feel myself withdraw more and more everyday. I find myself upset when I get no attention from people but frustrated when they do give me attention. I want to be alone and with everyone at the same time.

     These feelings of needing constant attention and wanting to push people away makes me want to just quit but I know that's the worst thing I could do with my life. She had no choice, her life was taken away from her and I had to witness it. For me to take my own would be a disgrace on her memory. Please do not fear, I will not do this, but know that those are thoughts that go through my mind because I am at a point in which I can't control my emotions. I had a moment last week in which I seized uncontrollably for a little over an hour off and on as my heart raced and panic encroached upon my mind and I couldn't breathe. All I could do was writhe, scream, and cry. I wish I could explain what I'm going through and how I'm feeling alas I can not I just need you to understand that I'm trying. I'm trying to get through and its going to be a very long and very hard road for me to walk down.

     I spoke at her memorial service and I've waited to post this because I just couldn't go back to it after I stood up there and spoke. I'm still not sure I am going to post this but I need to write and get it off my chest.

     Here is what I wrote:

What can I say about Vita that I haven't already said? I wrote an open letter to her on my personal blog explaining my resistance to befriend her at first and how she broke down that friendship barrier and we just clicked. I explained how much the world lost when she left. I could continue going on to say the same things but that's simply not good enough.

Vita. Was. Life.

Vita lived her life to the fullest ability she could and no one could stop her. Many people have said this over the last few weeks but let me break it down for you really. She never stopped going no matter what. I remember when she was going to have her melody valve replacement surgery in college, she told me about it so nonchalantly. Yes it was scary but she knew it was needed for her to continue and she was confident that God would take care. After she had the surgery and recovered we went out for sushi and shopping and whatever other adventures we got into. I don't remember specific things we did together except for a few occasions but I remember the power that emanated off of her. I remember the joy that came from her. I remember the love. So when we had an adventure planned that she was unable to make and had to rain check not once but multiple times I knew what was happening. I have known since she canceled our date the second time. She knew I knew, because in her last hours she told me that I was too smart and guessed it before anyone else. This was not something I took lightly because I took full advantage of the situation and spent as much time as possible with her. I never shared this knowledge with anyone I just prayed in silence a selfish prayer, a prayer that God allow her to stay here just a little longer. As time went by my prayer changed to a plea. A plea to take this precious human's suffering from her, to stop the pain and hurt I know she was dealing with. She was such a trooper even in the last moments. I could see the pain in her eyes as she ate our last meal together and watched our final movie together. Nothing more appropriate than Disney and sushi, only the best for us.

I wrote a poem in January right before she gave me the news that no one ever wants to hear and I would like to share it today:

Vita. Is. Life.

Vita. Is. Love.

Gentle eyes

And a kind smile

Can't do justice to explain

the nature of a person that is worthwhile

people drift in and people drift out

But on a rare occasion such as this

A soul latches on that you can't miss.

The moment in which you find

That one person, that one soul

That catches you whole

A soul filled with wonder

A soul filled with adventure

A soul filled with hurt

A soul filled with love.

Could it be that all you need is this one little thing?

That you've so graciously lend me in my time of need?

Because I'll gladly give you mine so that you may continue to sing.

Vita. Was. Life.

Vita. Was. Love.

     This last piece is a spoken word poem so the cadence might be off a little reading it.

     Depression is hard to deal with, you have good days and you have bad days sometimes those days can be just a few hours or more than a few days. Just know that you're never alone and someone is there you just have to look around and see them. I myself have overlooked my husband a few times but thank God he's there or I wouldn't be doing this well. I couldn't ask for a better man.